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Up Next: The U.S. Election Was Rigged by Feral Democratic Mercenaries

By: Amelia Kwan

Welcome to episode 225 of Trump Island: White House Edition, where Mr. President once more accuses the Democrats of rigging the election, spews unintelligible bullsh*t, and saunters around the White House like a playground bully. You don’t want to miss this episode - watch as Trump evolves into his final form, from a D-class charlatan to a brainless cane toad.

Actually, it’s more like he’s been the cane toad the whole time but slowly lost the ability to pretend he had some semblance of sanity. If Trump was a pokémon, his ‘Cane Trump’ abilities would be designated as ‘incompetence’ and ‘rambling like a senile old man’.

Hey, if you’re ever in a high school debate about random nonsense and need a distraction to cause chaos and simultaneously piss off your opponents, just pull out your ‘Trump’ card from the Republican Buffoon Expansion Pack (2020 edition). President Toad Sir, I choose you!

With the November fast approaching, I can’t even take out the trash without hearing my neighbour gossip about the latest bogus conspiracy theory surrounding Joe Biden that either Trump or one of his cronies cooked up. The most recent one involves his claims of fraud during the Presidential Debate: “They’re sending millions of ballots all over the country. There’s fraud, they found them in creeks.”

Seriously, Trump? That’s the best you could think of? Creeks? He sounds like that drunk uncle who always hollers about how the government is secretly controlled by rabid A.I. robo-sheep and the imminent Mutton Armageddon - “I’m telling you! They’re chucking ‘em the creeks! The creeks! The Democrats, those bastards, they’ve got mercenaries and agents everywhere, hiding in the bushes and putting them into the creeks!”

It’s probably no surprise that there’s no evidence whatsoever of ballots being thrown into creeks and rivers. Trump flubbed the question when asked “Which river?” by journalists and simply gibbered on about the nefarious and conniving ways of the modern Democrat.

Trump’s latest accusations seem to stem from the fact that he knows he’s going to lose. Calling Joe Biden senile and unfit for the presidency are merely reflections of himself. Accusing the Democrats of rigging the election is what teachers should use in schools when explaining ‘irony’ and ‘hypocrisy’.

The President looks more and more defeated as his poll results tank further and further with each passing week. Not only is he rapidly losing favour, but he’s also rapidly losing his mind. The difference between him and any other candidate who’s lost before is his immeasurable ‘Sore Loser’ complex.

His fragile ego just can’t accept the fact that most of the country hates him and won’t let him take power again. Seriously, I’ve seen three-year-olds playing in a sandbox with more sportsmanship.

What Donald Trump needs is a therapist, not another term in office.

And thus, this episode of Trump Island ends with the pitiful decline of America’s most pathetic dictator.

The Presidential Debate:


*All arguments made and viewpoints expressed within Youth In Politics and its nominal entities do not necessarily reflect the views of the writers or the organization as a whole.


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